February 2012
4 posts
3 tags
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One day I will understand why it is okay to run 6 miles at the gym, but having to park more than 3 spaces away from the entrance of the grocery store is the worst thing ever.
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“I can’t hang out right now. My mom just called and asked me to take her to...”
– These words actually came out of my mouth today.
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Me + a bunch of macho dudes + Madonna performing + football + WTF = the superbowl.
January 2012
7 posts
4 tags
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Oklahoma should be renamed to “that one state where a bunch of dust blows into your eyeballs and every city is really just a dairy queen and a conoco gas station.”
3 tags
“Feel like bacon love. I feel like bacon love to youuu.”
– My dad, driving around Oklahoma listening to Bad Company.
Friday the 13th- get poisoned by a hippie.
I only remember really stupid things about my life. Like the time in 1994 when I dressed up as an old man for Halloween and some lady said I was hotter than her late husband. I wish I didn’t remember that.
1 tag
December 2011
9 posts
2 tags
Elderly little Filipino man slowly getting into your yellow convertible Camaro, exist in my life more please.
3 tags
Every time I buy fabric the lady checking me out asks if I design costumes or work on a movie set. Maybe I should stop buying so much lamé.
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I opened my copy of the second season of The Golden Girls hoping to watch some while trying to sleep. Instead I found Stop or my mom will shoot!, Stuck on you, and a dvd of pictures from my sister’s wedding. I don’t know how to feel about this.
3 tags
I have not been going out lately because I hate everyone and would rather stay in watching the golden girls. Tonight I went out and sent a text that said: “PS I want to be your crab bff.” Apparently I should have stuck with my original plan.
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I’ll attribute the dream where I stole a bunch of women’s 80s clothing from an old southern man’s barn to the cold medicine I took last night and leave it at that.
November 2011
6 posts
3 tags
1 tag
I can’t sleep so instead I am looking at pictures of my niece and thinking about how weird it is that a person came out of my sister.
I did too many lunges last night and this morning I hurt so bad that I had to put Icy Hot on my butt checks. Either I am getting old, or I am developing some kind of menthol fetish. Probably both.
3 tags
My new version of hell would be sifting through the 48 tabs open on my browser trying to find the one that is blasting a Britney Spears song at 200% volume for absolutely no reason. In public. With a volume key that doesn’t work and makes the computer freeze up.
I am drinking sangria on a porch while listening to Led Zeppelin and making soap. Whatever decade I am in - it sucks.
2 tags
October 2011
15 posts
5 tags
Halloween: Buy pumpkin, hack at pumpkin, get sticky orange goo on hands and floor, put a candle in pumpkin, put pumpkin outside because it is burning and smoking, take shower, let pumpkin rot until it is a fuzzy black puddle, throw pumpkin away or kick it into a bush, buy pumpkin pie.
2 tags
I can already tell that being 26 is really going to piss me off.
It is 2:30 pm and I am watching Gremlins on Telemundo. This day has gone downhill fast.
A goat licked my fingers today. And a llama. Then I danced with a 70 year old dude to Hank Williams. Goodnight World.
4 tags
Today I went to the pharmacist to get lectured about my pills and instead she started telling me about her botched spider vein removal sessions. What is it about my face that says, “tell me all about that one time some dude lasered veins out of your thigh fat?”
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It is hard to focus on tv while working on your computer and eating a cookie with earl grey tea all at the same time. Life is so difficult.
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Taking a sleeping pill is kind of like learning the exact date and time you are going to die and trying to sort your entire life out before that time. Only in my case I am not going to die, just pass out maybe in an unfortunate place.
Jeremy Sisto plays a fat dad on television now. I can never watch Clueless again without going into a deep depression.
It’s not one long, sweaty, boring hour of exercising at the gym… It’s watching two episodes of The Golden Girls while dancing in place. Perspective!
September 2011
10 posts
Is it okay if I just want to stay in all weekend watching Murder She Wrote?
4 tags
Today at the gym I turned the corner into the locker room and ran into two naked ladies whose rolly, beige torsos looked like stacks of pancakes. Now I’m really craving IHOP.
Dear guy blasting banjos lessons on your laptop speakers,
I am having vivid homicidal fantasies about you.
Love,
Alexis
In the middle of the day sometimes I have flashbacks (nightmares) of my Kindergarten best friend Courtney waking me up at naptime and flipping her eyelids up at me while simultaneously sticking a finger in her nose. I miss Courtney.
4 tags
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The enormous lady taking my blood today and I were in the middle of a heated discussion about diseased cantaloupes and how we hate mushy watermelons when I noticed that my hand was awkwardly brushing her giant boob as she stabbed me in the vein.
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Eating six oatmeal cookies for dinner is probably not a good idea. I did it anyway.